Over the Line, Mark it Zero

To paraphrase Joe Paterno...

2012-01-14T23:31:00.002-05:00

"He was raped like that when I found him!"

The Wrong Way to Bake

2011-12-10T16:08:00.003-05:00

"Don't tell me you've never dick-tasted something before!"

Our subject explaining away the hypothetical burns on his dick to an imaginary doctor.

Graham and Bourbon: A Potent Combination

2011-07-17T21:58:00.004-04:00

Four forever-unquotables from the US vs. Japan women's World Cup final.

1) "Kristallnacht is happening in my soul." (As the US lost the game.)

2) "I would rear that child!" (When someone said they'd like to meet Hope Solo's parents, he thought they said they'd like to be Hope Solo's parents.)

3) "I want my wife to do her." (The context doesn't matter for this statement, AT ALL, but if you're curious: He was talking about Megan Rapinoe.)

4) "I'm verifying with an independent source that she's cute." (Checking with someone else to be sure that his wife was attractive: not an offensive statement, really, but surely an offensive action to take.)

TMI, Both Musically and Sexually...

2011-03-31T22:38:00.001-04:00

"I can't ejaculate unless The Sounds of Murphy Brown is playing."

How to Ruin a Conversation About Whiskey...

2011-03-18T21:01:00.003-04:00

While talking about the holes (should've known better than to talk about holes in front of Graham) that have to be placed in whiskey casks.

"I'll put a hole in a caskET, if you know what I mean...."

Forgot to post this tasty nugget earlier...

2011-02-06T20:10:00.002-05:00

From a much earlier game of Banagrams, when Graham lost for probably the fiftieth time to Leslie:

"I'M GOING TO FACE-RAPE YOUR FACE-VAGINA."

It's a Delicacy, Trust Me...

2011-02-06T20:09:00.002-05:00

"Kids are like human veal. They're much tastier."

On Combining Golf Courses with Cemeteries

2010-12-04T22:02:00.001-05:00

No! I just want everything I don't use to be covered in graves, because I don't use it!

Boiled or steamed pudding, often with dried fruit.

2010-01-16T23:12:00.003-05:00

"I used to like my friends, until they took the anal leap duff! Now they're ass-pregnant."

-after a rousing game of Bananagrams

Impersonating someone recounting all of his erections...

2009-11-08T19:16:00.002-05:00

"Hey, you're my mom, but you're still stacked!!!"

During Trivial Pursuit...

2009-09-06T01:28:00.002-04:00

Question (directed to someone else): What would an American cyclist call what his British counterpart would know as a mudguard?

helpfully suggesting: ...Labia???

Highway Baseball, the Sex Offender Version

2009-08-07T14:59:00.000-04:00

"who's swinging at the kids?"

Miraculous Rooftop Camera Retrival

2009-08-07T14:57:00.002-04:00

"if it's good enough for taking out babies"

in response to how well a kite string and coat hanger contraption worked to fish a lost camera out of a 4-story chimeny

Post Practice Brunch

2009-07-05T13:29:00.001-04:00

"I said Shake It!"

response to screaming baby at the Park Slope Ale House at brunch.

birthday brunch crawl

2009-06-29T22:32:00.000-04:00

Sung to the tune of sesame street

"Can you tell me how to get to C anal street?! Oh it's right near the tunnel."

car ride home from Phish Concert

2009-06-05T08:02:00.002-04:00

"No it's fine you didn't break her"

Response to Al reaching over at 1am on ATlantic to give Graham money thru the car window and Yvo commenting how bad it would be if a cop car passed by right then and what the cop would've have thought was going on.

rooftop bbq memorial weekend...

2009-06-02T22:13:00.001-04:00

If they wanted me to learn spanish they would have made it english

In the 15 person van, on the way back from an ultimate tournament outside of Philly.

2009-05-25T00:53:00.003-04:00

"So if I kill the hooker first, it's okay?"

again, during Bananagrams...

2009-05-25T00:50:00.001-04:00

"yeah, shaft calluses are really something you don't want to get"

in reference to having sex with someone frozen in carbonite

Over Beers, After Playing Bananagrams...

2009-02-21T11:36:00.003-05:00

"What? You don't want me talking about he-vages?"

[editor's note: "vages" is short for "vaginas." I shudder to think about what "he-vages" is short for.]

Over Dinner...

2009-02-17T20:25:00.001-05:00

"Wow, I'm butternut-squashin' up the butt..."

While Watching a Ball-Girl at a Red Sox Game...

2009-02-16T13:38:00.001-05:00

"She can shag my foul balls ANYTIME!"

The Inaugural Posting

2009-02-16T00:06:00.001-05:00

"See, so you just make a small incision..."

First Test Post

2009-02-16T00:00:00.000-05:00

"Over the Line, Mark It Zero" - The Big Lebowski

A Chronicle of Things that Graham Can Never Say Again